Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
