I wish I could teleport
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
