dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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