I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
