i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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