I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
