Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
