She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just had sex bonerless
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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