I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
