shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Drunk is a universal language darling
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
