i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
do herpes really smell.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
