just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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