so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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