Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
