so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
