I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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