I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
