This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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