you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
