ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
