NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
