I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
