Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
