does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He? As in you personified your dick?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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