I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am available for nakedness
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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