1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
