3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
