Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
