i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
