I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
