fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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