He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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