She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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