The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
