saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
