what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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