It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
