I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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