I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
