I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Actions speak louder than pants.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
