I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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