Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
