The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
