I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
