I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
