so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
