i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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