I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
