Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
