Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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